15 “And you did not receive the ‘spirit of religious duty,’ leading you back into the fear of never being good enough. But you have received the ‘Spirit of full acceptance,’ enfolding you into the family of God. And you will never feel orphaned, for as he rises up within us, our spirits join him in saying the words of tender affection, ‘Beloved Father!’ 16 For the Holy Spirit makes God’s fatherhood real to us as he whispers into our innermost being, ‘You are God’s beloved child!’

17 And since we are his true children, we qualify to share all his treasures, for indeed, we are heirs of God himself. And since we are joined to Christ, we also inherit all that he is and all that he has.  We will experience being co-glorified with him provided that we accept his sufferings as our own.” Romans 8:15-17 (TPT)

For this blog, I felt led by the Spirit of God to be just raw and transparent as I reflect and share my thoughts about this passage.

As most of you know, I was a victim growing up of Satanic Ritual Abuse and Government Sponsored Mind Control.  And so there has always been this raging battle and conflict within me – part of me has experienced my Father God as a loving, caring, generous daddy.  But despite all the healing and deliverance I’ve been through over the past twenty-five plus years, there is still a part of me that sees my Heavenly Father through the lens of the abuse, torture, control, and manipulation I went through with the Luciferian cult.

I had such a drive in me to be the best.  And what being the best looked like to the Luciferians was so warped and twisted – can I suffer more pain, hardship, and torture than my peers?  Pain is good for you.  It makes you stronger and more powerful.  It makes you tough so you can carry out very difficult assignments and agendas.  And they projected that onto Father God.  Yes, there were parts of me that I was dissociated from that knew all about Lucifer/Satan being the object of worship and that their agenda was to Lucifer.  But I also had a whole primary identity that was deceived by the cult into believing that these perpetrators were “Christian.”

And so there are still remnants deep within me that feel that the Father God is like a hard driving Navy Seal commander that is putting me through such rigorous suffering and training so that I will become this amazingly strong and powerful Christian of incredible character and able to operate in a very high level of authority in order to carry out great end-time assignments for the Lord.  But do you see how subtle this deception is?  The Scripture tells us that the Lord uses the suffering and trials we go through in order to make us stronger and more Christ-like.  As a result, this makes it really difficult to completely rest in the reality that He is my Daddy God who just accepts and loves me and hates to see me suffer.

My whole life I’ve felt like I’ve had to fight so hard for everything – for relationships, against financial lack and devouring, for my health and dealing with chronic pain, for complete healing and deliverance from Satanic Ritual Abuse and all the programming they put me through, etc.  Nothing has come easy.  And so I am still challenged by the belief that somehow all the pain, suffering, and struggle I’ve been through is somehow “good” for me and that the Father God ordained and is pleased with this suffering because it prepared me to be really good in helping to set those who are SRA-DID survivors free and to do potentially other future end-time exploits for the Kingdom of God.

But this way of thinking and living has left me feeling very tired and burnt out.  At my very core I’m a Mercy (Redemptive Gift) who just longs and aches to be in the presence of the Father in Heaven where I can completely be myself, raw and still loved and accepted, where I can lay down my sword and just be immersed in all the beauty of heaven, where I can be truly free without all this pain.

And I know all these longings within me will be fulfilled in a big, God-sized way when I go home to be with the Lord!  But there is something rising in me that says I want that NOW!  To bring the reality of the love, beauty, healing, and glory of heaven down to earth NOW!  This is so important for us to understand.  The Lord Jesus didn’t just suffer on the cross to forgive us our sins through His shed blood, BUT His death and resurrection opened the way for us to bring heaven down to earth.  And so, this is my quest – to know my Daddy in heaven as He truly is SO that I may carry the Father’s presence to those who have only known a lying, devouring father – Satan who is the father of lies.

This is my passionate desire and heartfelt prayer.  Would you please pray for me, as well as Shauna, that we would have such an intimate relationship with the Father God that we would bring the Father’s presence and love to transform and deeply heal those who have only known a cruel and harsh father.

God bless you abundantly!